demipansexual genderqueer twenty six year old distracted dreamer beginning my career as a mental health therapist while living with ADHD and chronic health issues. Sun: Gemini/Cancer Cusp. Rising: Saggitarius. Moon: Leo. If I'd been able to grow up in a complete 70's aesthetic without all the bad shit that came with it, I'd have been more than content. I'm a walking Harry Potter encylcopedia unfortunetly, and I might have a soft spot for Draco Malfoy. ( Yes I know HP is problematic, I'm trying to believe in death of the author vibes) I also really enjoy anime in general, Loki, Pirates of the Caribbean, ATLA, photography, DnD, anything artsy, fantasy, superheros, science fiction, books, nature, fuzzy blankets, cute things, singing, classic rock, all things Tim Burton, spicy food, food in general, and laughter. I post whatever I find compelling, important, beautiful, or just plain makes me smile. have a wonderful day! :) if I followed you and you're not sure why... I do run a side blog. just ask if you're interested. :P
I make myself miserable. i struggle. i know that to be rejected and shut out causes me incredible amounts of pain. it was my greatest fear. and it happened again. i wonder. thinking over how i overshared about my trauma often- trauma dumping on you. and you soaked it in, with apparent love and empathy. I wish i hadnt. I didnt think how it would affect you. If i hadnt told you how triggering it was for me to be rejected and ignored- if i hadnt said i couldnt handle not hanging out outside rehearsal to give you space- would you have stayed? maybe. but then i wouldnt have been my authentic self. It was triggering to think of- a reminder of the situation to kaleb. a slow pull away after manipulating me into a shell of myself with lies of taking a break when it was really a ploy to keep me hanging while he dated others unknown to me and then gaslight me and pretend i didnt exist -
you didnt do that. that was my trauma. but my trauma still effected me and that was valid. I believe you knew there would be problems with us since i had the nightmare at your dads. i believe when you shut down it was the beginning of the end. my trust broke down a little, but that was when i saw you pull back. trust can be built up, but a full pull away is something else entirely.
my dear, you still don’t know what love is. it is a constant push and pull. you need to know your boundaries to hold on. you gave so much, and hardly let me in. i wanted to hold your soul. i would have protected it. but maybe you knew you couldn’t protect mine, and that would end in me feeling resentful.
I told you about charlie and the resentment I feel there. but you werent - and never will be him. you werent my therapist. im sorry for that level of leaning on you. i wish i wasnt like this. I wish i could detach more. but i can’t. not in a relationship. which is why -on my end- this doesnt work right now. but thats the thing. i keep holding on to that. its the bargaining stage.
maybe im giving you the benefit of the doubt. you’re young, sure, but your mind was what i fell in love with. and if you’re anything like me, i think i hit the nail on the cross. or whatever.
so here i am, 2 weeks since we last talked, hugged, kissed. I remember holding you in my arms, telling you no matter what I would always love you. You were silent. That silence now speaks volumes in my heart, over and over again. a broken record stuck on each moment where I felt safe with you, and then fear.
My mind only gives me a moment of reprieve, and it comes back all over again. how you couldn’t be honest with me. How we couldn’t have a conversation. how after everything SHE did to you and you did to keep things “OK”, you didn’t feel safe enough to communicate and figure out anything, anything but a sudden plan of no contact with me. You blamed your relationship with her. you said I did nothing wrong. You said it wasn’t what you wanted but what you needed. You left no room for conversation, completely shutting me out after months of support and what felt like true, deep love on both sides.
it still hurts. coming in waves.
I went to a mardi gras party last night I had hoped to take you to. But you really never wanted to come, did you? Maybe you liked the idea of it, but just as you dropped out of the show because it wasn’t a high enough caliber for you, this party would have disappointed you too. You said you didn’t have expectations. but the reality is, you didn’t have any self awareness of your own expectations. Did you like the idea of me too? Was I too real for you? Too loving, too accepting? Too ready to bare my soul to the world and be completely honest about how I feel? did that scare you? If it did my dear, you have a lot of growing up to do.
How ironic how similar you are to my childhood ex, friend, lover. how I never seem to escape the pain of being hopelessly, anxiously in love with a hopeless, anxious avoidant.
Corporate media taking a hard pass on the worst ecological disaster of our time.
Oh fuck I live in the yellow area! I have not received any notification so I’m assuming the water in my community is safe to drink (for now) but I will update if anything changes!
Cool cool cool
That this isn’t the front page story for every news outlet in the country is…
I did a dumb, listened to the recording of the songs you performed when we went out for open mic.
gosh you sounded lovely. i fell for you even more that night. But the songs you chose, talking about what to Become for another, living in the moment not thinking of the future…. Did you ever think about the future? Were you even able? Did you ever think about who you really wanted to be for yourself or were you just that talented at reflecting back what you knew others wanted out of you?
But were you already pulling back? I never saw you look at me once. But did you need to? Maybe I don’t know what love is, maybe its just what I think its supposed to be. I miss you I MISS YOU.
But even then. I was overthinking myself. I couldn’t be my full authentic self at that point and I didn’t know why. I held back for some, strange reasons that now feel obvious. But I have processed so much in the past week. I am ready- I want to be ready to let you in again at any capacity- but somehow I know- you won’t be.
seriously, i get why we couldnt go on like this but it was so sudden for me. You, you, you… played the part so well. Too well. You never let me in. and then you pushed me out so completely. But..
I Let You In. So Far. So much. I don’t trust easy; but I trusted you. And that is why this hurts so, so, much.
– I’m just telling you now in case my mom says something dumb like you’re fat or whatever. – I thought you said when she says shit like that, it means she cares.
